Breakups suck.
The worst ones are when there is no clear reason to breakup, but you both know that you have to part ways even though you both still mean the world to each other – this is what happened to me.
Now I am not an expert on breakups. In fact, I have only had one breakup after being in my one and only relationship for 3.5 years – let me tell you a bit about how it affected me and how I was able to look on the bright side and learn some valuable lessons from the whole experience.
Why the breakup was tough
Our relationship started just before I turned 16 and lasted for almost 4 years – for one of the most pivotal parts of my life I was in a relationship. I’m not saying it’s bad, but it created a little comfort bubble for me – I never had to go out when I didn’t want to, I never had to face the fear of being rejected by a girl, I knew I could always have sex and always had someone to talk to and be there for me – I had security.
Slowly but surely I started to depend on the relationship mentally – I felt like she was a part of me. You may be thinking ‘aww’, but it is the exact opposite… it made me insecure and needy which is what partly pushed us apart.
When we did break up I was so scared and frightened, I just didn’t know it yet. A few months before I moved to London for work and did not know anyone outside of work – on the surface I was fine but deep inside I was scared of being lonely. Sure I had work colleagues, however they were all much older than me and commuted quite far away – this was fine because I always had my girlfriend to talk to, but when she left I was all alone.
I also had no idea how to be single. For as long as I have been interested in girls I have had a girlfriend. Frankly, I was terrified and did not know what to do.
How I first tried (and failed) To Cope
The night of the breakup all I did was cry (obviously). However, after that I went into a straight ‘it was her’ mentality – she needed the time away, she was the one who wasn’t ready, she needed the time to develop blah blah blah… I tried to blame it on her.
I then went on to read a bunch of books about being attractive and how to get with girls and all of that stuff, and then proceeded to go out to my mates’ university with the underlying premise of trying to get lucky (I didn’t).
For a bit I thought I was getting over all of it, but whenever I would see a picture of my ex on facebook or see my friends talking about her on our Whatsapp chat my heart would start pounding and I would feel shivers run down me – clearly something was not right.
Luckily for me, I was reading a few books at the time which really helped transform my mentality for the better…
How I Successfully Managed To Deal With The Breakup
1) Accept and embrace your fears
The first thing I truly realised was that I was living in a world of fear. I was scared of what would happen if I was single. I did not know how I was going to make friends in London or how to meet new girls. When I truly started to accept and embrace this it really allowed me to work with my insecurities instead of trying to hide them deep down in a corner.
This pivotal moment allowed me see the breakup as a chance to help realise my fears and find ways to slowly overcome them – ultimately my two biggest fears were the fear of being alone and the fear of people judging me. After a further look these stemmed from me not being comfortable with myself – I was not complete.
Finally accepting this led to me being able to develop and be internally complete which has helped me take huge steps to overcome the breakup as I no longer feel that I have to rely on someone – be open with yourself and find out what fears are holding you back, and work towards overcoming them.
2) Change the way you think about your mistakes
At first, all I did was regret all the mistakes I made, like little things like being a dick and doing little things which annoyed her for ‘banter’, or not telling her how beautiful she was enough.
I then tried to push my past into a deep corner and forget about them, but I knew this would not work as it would just lead to me making the same mistakes again… I needed to do something different.
What worked for me was realizing that with everything in life you can either take something positive or negative away from it – what is the point in letting the past haunt you instead of using it as a way to develop your Invincible Mentality?
I still thought about the mistakes I made but approached my thoughts in a different way – instead of thinking about how I didn’t do things, I started to think about how I could and should go about developing myself to improve myself, such as making an effort to just be honest and express myself truly – not just my strengths, but my humiliating weaknesses and insecurities too.
You have the option to think about this positively or negatively. Be positive and start to think with an Invincible Mentality.
3) Appreciation
This was so key for me being able to successfully handle the breakup – as mentioned before whenever I used to see a picture of my ex on Facebook or anything my heart would just start pounding really loud, and I knew that hiding away from her forever would not work – I needed to change my mentality.
I was watching a lot of Charisma on Command (great content, check it out), and he mentioned a really important point about happiness – you really are able to love and appreciate life when you are able to find joy in other people’s happiness.
This really resonated with me, and the shift in mentality really helped me out: instead of getting jealous that my ex-girlfriend was out having fun, I started to appreciate and be happy that she was happy – it doesn’t matter if I was making her happy or if someone else was – as long as she is happy that is good enough for me.
Closing Thoughts
These 3 shifts in mentality allowed me to take some really valuable lessons from the breakup and become a better version of myself.
Honestly the breakup was the most profound and humbling moment in my life – it truly made me realise that although I am successful in many parts of my life, I had lost connection with myself on an emotional level and was not as perfect as I thought I was. This really brought me down to earth and allowed to fundamentally change the way I approached life – this has allowed me to reach a new level of inner appreciation and happiness.
I hope my insights on my journey help you out on yours!
-Mike
If you have any questions drop a comment below or email me at mike@unigains.com (to be changed soon!)
